Things people say at work that they almost never mean

Not only are the following things people say at work that they almost never mean, they are also almost always said by people who are incapable of following through... starting with

I). I give it to you straight.
The only people who seem to be willing to openly take critical (as in oppositional) positions  to plans and ideas are those who are high enough the corporate hierarchy that they can afford to say what they think around pretty much anybody. Amongst those of us languishing in the middle levels of the corporate ladder, an embarrassingly high percentage would not express their true position on matters that have even the slightest of a hint of controversy.
And you know what? I'm OK with that.
What I'm not OK with is the bastards who walk about and CLAIM to be straight talkers. "You know I am a straight talker", they say, "I don't deal in bullshit."
That's probably the biggest load of bullshit you're going to hear that day.

These insidious fuckers are only capable of talking controversial positions (coz if you're position isn't controversial or in opposition to the majority view, straight talking requires no particular courage) under two conditions.

1. The topic has to be so far beyond their realm of control that nobody would give a gnats ass WHAT the opinion is. 
2. Any person under whose span of influence  he said topic falls needs to be not only physically absent, but also have NO first degree connection to anybody in the audience, 

THEN these bitches will let loose about how the latest acquisition was stupid, the newest product could have been coded better by masturbating baboons and so on.
Next time you find somebody who claims to be a straight shooter keep your eyes out for his or her opinions on matters under their or their peers control. And see how they behave around their bosses. More often than not, you will see chest thumping dick heads metamorphose into sycophantic assholes with the I.Q of a ruminant.
I know there is a time and a place  to broadcast your views on things. If you have a well thought out position, you should have the courage to ask the right question or encourage introspection, in the right surroundings and with respect. And people who actually do this never claim to be - or seem to want credit for - talking straight.So if somebody says to you "I'm a straight talker", Get up and walk away.

II). I do what I believe is right
Bullshit again. First of all, people don't do what they know is right. They do what they think the boss will reward them for. Or at least avoid a serious ass whupping, catholic school style.
But that;s not what annoys me. The reason it annoys me is, that there is usually no need to make such a grandiose statement. Thankfully fort the human race, very few people in corporations are actually called on to pick right from wrong. Most just follow process, get audited and suffer till they die.
If you were actually put in a position where you had the option to do the wrong thing and get away with it, I'm sorry to say you would probably try to get away with it. Because doing the wrong thing is just so delicious.
Think about it. What big choices do YOU have to make, BY YOURSELF, for the corporation. Anything that is seriously right versus wrong is probably way outside your pay grade. (Unless the readership of this blog has all magically turned into C-Suite in the 6 or so months I was gone)

III). We.
I don't know why people suddenly develop problems grasping the simple concept of first-person, plural personal pronoun as a subject, but half the time people say "we", they are deflecting accountability.
"We should do this" usually means "I want somebody else to do this".
They do NOT want to be responsible for ANY of the actions that are required to be completed.
Why in these cases they say WE baffles me. I usually immediately ask them what part of the action they want me to do and what they want to do themselves. That catches them off guard.
Sometimes I use this we and they myself because the alternative sounds too rough or directive, but I never use it when I'm amongst peers or in meetings. It serves to reduce clarity and slow down progress and increases my resemblance to weasels. And it was this usage that got this entire post started. We're set to have an audit soon, and our internal auditor, who regular readers will remember my impressions of, said something along the lines of "We need to really improve our *insert stupid audit scale here* score. And I asked him what part he wanted me to do and what part he wanted to do himself. He rattled off multiple things he wanted me to do, but not a single thing for him. I asked him why he said "We" when he clearly didn't want to do anything. I let him squirm for a while and then left. I had much to do to prep for the audit.

Delhi 6

The depraved maniacs that carried out the heinous act in Delhi will be chargesheeted today.
Finally.
The junta is acting justifiably outraged and is braying for a death penalty.
Hang the 6 of them. Fuckers. They say.

My cynicism tells me that lasting systemic changes will not follow.

Our criminal justice system needs an overhaul, and what saddens me is that even an act of such depravity doesn't look like being capable of triggering a thorough change.
What saddens me further is that when such incidents happen the lack of true leadership in this country's elected representatives comes really to the fore. Nobody seems willing or able to take the task on.

Uncertain social equilibrium will persist and such incidents will occur again long after the Delhi 6 have gone through their punishment - whatever that may be.
Rape is one, admittedly the most horrible but just one, type of crime that we are unable to prevent.

Child marriage.
Dowry.
Murder in the name of religion.
Even buying property is not something many Indians can do without suffering humiliation and participating in illegal activities of some kind.

The action needed is so wide and deep that it is difficult to really see who will try and how.
Our current criminal justice system increases and in some cases preys on our internal inequalities as a country; inequalities of caste, religion and money. It creates corporate and individual corruption, and in fact derives sustenance from it.

I'm glad people are taking to the streets after this rape. What saddens me though is that after the Delhi 6 get put behind bars, this like all other events will fade away.
The Babri masjid issue. The Godhra issue. The Bombay Riots. So much evil. So little changed.

I feel like we're getting raped every day.

Latest Aggravations

The thing that squeezed the most amout of bile outta me over the last two months has been the Piss-off and Bhosdika. You all know who I'm talking about. Somebody should ban them for life and send them to junior high for bringing disrepute to the population segment they're from - prepubescent insecure girls with their panties bunched up.

Another thing got me squirting the yellowish green - and that was the Kar na saka politics. Isn't it sick how one community demands a specific number of positions, then gets it, and then another community demands another and get it, and so called national leaders stand by and wring their hands in despair while simultaneously planning how they will spin it to the masses? It's not?

And I think Satyameva Jayate should have that "a" at the end of Satyamev. It just doesn't sound right pronounced without that short "uh" sound.

But none of that got me to find a non-work computer and get back to positing my views to nobody in particular. You know what did?
Information scarcity in organizations. There is some information that organizations do not let anybody but the most senior people see. Some of this is so innocuous that you would wonder why the secrecy.

Wanna know how many people are working on a new product?
Can't.
Wanna know how much was spent to develop a particular system?
Can't.
Wanna know how much you saved by moving to the latest computer models?
Can't.

If you can't make information like this accesible to - at least - managers around your company, how do you expect them to be able to do their job number 2 (That is, put the right level of resources on the right projects).
And job 2 is as important as job 1 - (Figuring out what the right projects are). The increase in cardinality does not signify any reduction in importance here. 

The amount of money you spend on R&D and product enhancements is the lifeblood of any but the most banal companies. (In those, how much you spend on SG&A is more important). And everybody knows how much they spend on R&D and Products on a whole, but very few have the ability to look at that data on a per project, per product level.
Pissed me off.
PIssed me off so much, I can't even write well. Can't expresses my pissed off-ness. (see?)

Email Travails - The problems with email

Let me get on thing straight. Just because you have sent me an email, and you received the insecure read receipt request you stick on every meaningless piece of drivel that leaves your outbox, don't think I actually downloaded the contents of your note straight into my fucking brain, OK?
So don't walk up to me in the hallway and say "What do you mean you don't know why the new product is taking so long?" when the only information you provided me was embedded in the 6th email in a 823468723 long series on the purchasing of toilet seats where Raghavendra Rao said he needed more time because he had fucking tulsi pooja in his grandmothers house.

If you want somebody to know something, send out a specific note and request a response. That way you know that your desired information found it's drowsy mark and didn't get drowned out in a sea of meretricious blather.

And while we're on the topic of email, just because you have received an email, it does not mean you have to reply. A response is required only if you are adding value to the conversation at hand. And you can add value in the following ways:
An approval or rejection per your company's authority level procedures
Providing a requested response: For example, if you receive an email that says "Please confirm your attendance at the free lunch mindfuck that is going to be our quarterly project status update". You are required to respond if you intend to attend. Don't ignore and then show up only to find that there is not enough samosa chat and/or oil-onion-rice-masquearding-as-biryani for you. 
A disagreement with a proposed follow up action: For example, if you receive an email that explains a proposed prop for an upcoming presentation, and you disagree with the choice, you should reply and say "I dont think you should use a moose with irritable bowel syndrome to the company premises, even if that is a prop for your presentation on the output of the committee on employee benefits. Can we meet tomorrow to see if I can explain myself better?"
And most difficult - if you have some insight not apparent  to the distribution, but relevant to the discussion: For example in an email chain regarding how to handle an upcoming audit, you might have a flash of insight and so you contribute: "While we discuss how to painfully castrate the certifying auditor, I think we should also consider extending this action to our quality consultant - HE'S the one who actually tells our bosses we need this dude coming in here every six months and peeking up our rectums!
And continuing with the suggestions to maximize pain during castration, what about using a baseball bat?"

As you will note, in all examples I gave above, I followed my own advice about requesting a response by adding a question. So I know - if I don ot get a response from my desired mark, that the message has not been sufficiently imbibed.
So on a related note, just because you have a reason to respond, does not mean you copy the entire original distribution.
While responding to confirm your attendance at the aforementioned free lunch status update mindfuck, you don't need to copy everybody when you tell the sender that you're going to be 15 minutes late. Unless you want our VP of product development to know that you're too cheap to hire a decent man, so you hired a lecherous prick for a driver, as a consequence of which you have to go pick up your daughter from school yourself, and are perennially late to office. So chose your distribution wisely.

And finally on email signatures. Don't add your sign-off remark (warmest regards, heartfelt thanks, greatest day and other such superlatives that you put in above your name) in the standard signature. It looks really weird if you get an email from somebody that says, "Sorry to hear about the incident with the lecherous driver and your daughter, THANKS A LOT!!!, Fuck Nut."
Or,
"I am deeply disappointed with your performance over the last 3 months. This email is to put you on official notice. Warmest Regards, Thanking you, yours Sincerely, Always affectionate, Dumb Fuck"

So make your sign off specific to the email at hand, and only put your name and contact info in the signature.

The State of Indian Cricket

"We have earned the criticism", said Gambhir. No shit, Sherlock. Thanks for clearing that up.  Thanks also for pointing out that not just VVSL but the entire top order should be blamed for the current state of our batting. Again. thank you for admitting the obvious.

(VVSL, by the way stands for Very Very Superb Laxman or Very Very Soporific Laxman depending on the running average of his last three innings. He must be Very Very Startled Laxman given the speed at which the affection for him changes in some quarters of the Indian press) 

Both of Gambhir's statement are obviously true. But they're not the whole truth.  

The biggest contributor to the current infirmity of our team is hiding somewhere behind the surface of media coverage. The broken condition of cricketing in India is not due to the current performance of one or a set of players. It is the due to the baleful callousness of critical institutions in our country.

Not being a cricketer at any level, I wouldn’t know the bastards that caused the current ineptitude of our otherwise (and worryingly recently) much vaunted team,  if they walked up and spat in my face. But I have to assume that they’re powerful enough that even the brave capitulate and cower ingloriously when faced with the prospect of pointing a finger at them. 

All that said, let’s see if you can play a little game with me. Identify what comes next in the following series:

World Cup; 5 day rest; IPL; 5 day rest; England; 5 day rest; Australia; ......

(a) Sore and bleeding ass

(b) Ridicule

(c) Complete and Utter Capitulation

(d) Death

You don't have to be a mensa candidate to figure out the answer is (e) all of the above, in that order. 

Even Alexander wasn’t able to keep on going at some point, right? So how do you think Dhoni and his beatific half smile can motivate the weary? 

Now if anyone of you can tell me who may be responsible for bursting the calendar full of cricket, instantly I will have a clue as to who is responsible.

Any guesses?

I'm NOT Available

I was at this dinner yesterday. One of my friends that I had not seen for a while invited me. He had also invited another one of our mutual friends. So that’s 3 of us, and then there were 3 acquaintances of the original inviter who also showed up. I say acquaintances because I don’t think my friend would BE friends with people like them, and I say showed up because I like to think that my friend would not invite acquaintances like them

The three of us who were friends from our engineering college days displayed a startling number of common and, I hope you agree here, likeable behaviours.

One, we all came (arrived, you dirty minded troll) on time. We did not have to message the others 7 times or call for directions from across the street. Is it that fucking hard to find your way to a popular restaurant in an upscale hotel? I don’t think so. What is more likely is that they neither thought it important enough to look up the venue, nor leave on time.

Second, we did not look at our cellphones during dinner or drinks. I say cellphones because I think smartphones is a misnomer : the phones are not smart, and neither are most of their owners.

This is a pet peeve for me here, but I think if you are out to talk to somebody in person, that person should be more important that some piece of news that was sent passively for you. Are your real friends more important than the ones you have on facebook? Are those people connected to you on facebook really your friends? Do you know what these so called friends will do if you die? Send out a fucking message for somebody’s wall and add a frikkin bunch of screwy punctuation marks to symbolize the emotion they feel for a fraction of a second. Fuck the friend who won’t lend you money and to hell with the wall you can’t piss on, I always say.

And I don’t care what Rehman says, har ek friend zaroori nahin hota hae.
In fact, har ek friend, friend bhi nahin hota hae chootiye!

And replying to email? Really? Do you really have to answer your email as soon as it comes? You know who needs to do that? Insecure people. I’m sorry. I wish I could make up a joke here or something, but this is just not funny. Chill out on the email replies people. Unless you’re on the shitter, constipated, waiting for the turd to drop,  and you just pissed on whatever crap newspaper it is you carried into the loo with you, that email reply can wait.

And not just replies. People just look at their phones and READ email while there is a conversation going on. If the conversation at this table is so fucking boring, why don’t you take your interesting self to wherever it is the email message came from?

UNLESS you are expecting an email from a VC informing you of whether or not he is going to give you half a million bucks for your social media startup, checking for email every few minutes with the fervor of a monkey checking for lice on his brother's head is disrespectful and annoying.

And like I said, these are passive messages. These are messages that are sent out without an expectation of when you will read them. Unlike say a phone call, which could actually be a real living and breathing friend calling to ask you for money. Even with those, we have sunk into such a culture of availability (especially those of us who have had a cell phone from before college days), that people take your availability for granted.

Save yourselves before it is too late. Train your family and friends to respect the minimum time to response they should expect for every mode of communication. I’m not saying this is the minimum time that you will take. You will respond to all of them asap. But if you tell everybody that they should not expect a response - or at the very least that they should not get mad if they do not get a response by – the following times, then you will be free of the shackles of this availability expectation that we face…

Personal Invitation: On time (inside 10 minutes of stipulated time). Cancellations well in time with appropriate groveling attached

Email: 1 day turnaround. I'm writing  a post on just email, so more details there
Text Message/Phone Call: Call back inside of 4 hours
Second Txt/Phone: Immediate, but if you ONCE try me a second time for a stupid reason, all responses default back to 4 hours.
Facebook/Twitter/Myspace/Friendster/Orkut: Middle finger

PowerPointless

As I walked out from a pitch so soporific that I thought I had died and gone to hell prematurely with a dissatisfying lack of flames, I realized that though much has already been said about the impact of powerpoint, I was just going to HAVE to add to the blather.

I feel for PowerPoint. I really do. It was not meant to be a tool for destruction, but in the hands of the inept and mind-numbingly unimaginative, it turns into a device for brain cell death. They don't call them bullets for nothing, I guess.

“Just because the spawn of Gates and Lucifer CAN rotate your text boxes on the way in doesn't mean you should ya fucking moron!!”, I wanted to yell. And I probably would have, if I hadn't been put to sleep with such astounding swiftness.

The guy spent 30 minutes telling a room full of managers and employees absolutely nothing. And for having no content, there was a startlingly humungous amount of text on his slides. And that’s where the rub is. All these people spewing mildly humorous venom at PowerPoint and Bill Gates need to realize that’s it’s not the PowerPoint to blame. It’s the idiot with the clicker in front of the screen.

If that moron who preparing to take your eye out with the laser pointer had something of import to say, you could have given him a thin stick and a pile of horse manure, and he would have made his point.

If that no good hack had any talent at communication, you could have given him a crayon and a coloring book and he would have shown you the world in Eastman Colour.

PowerPoint is just a magnifying glass that can make a passionate speaker look better, and a going-through-the-motions manager look worse than either of them really are.
So don't blame PowerPoint. Just walk out.

Here. We. Go. (Again)

It's been a long time since I last posted anything... 3 months and then some actually

As you know I was working on a project that didnt seem pointless, with a team that had an IQ, in a city that didn't close it's bars at an arbitrarily appointed hour. I didn't have any reason to blog.

Job done, I am back in Bangalore now, and was immediately seized by a burining desire to bitch about the fantastic parking lots masquerading as the highways of Bangalore. I barely managed to keep that down and that by quaffing large quantities of Mallya's finest (which, by the bay, is not ultra) at a dangerous speed egged on by an annoying maitre d' wanting to shut sop and go home at an early time. The traffic and the fuck-off-at-11-pm rule aren't going to change any time soon, so I'm sure that will keep my bile levels steadily on the rise. 
And now my responsibilities now are significantly higher, and I will be making a bunch of changes. This should also pit me against the banalities of corporate procedures and the stupidities of individuals in powerful offices. That should give me adequate levels of indigestion as well.

So I think some blogging will follow.
BUT.....
I have to watch what I blog about and when, so I do not know if I'm going to be able to vent with the fervour of yore. It will behove me to stop calling colleagues bitches, whores, dumbfucks, and the like, even if they verily might be the same, and I fear that I do not have the talent to spew vitriol and make it entertaining without using scathing insults and expletives as a crutch.

I will try. Lets see how it goes.
This post is just so a note goes out to the people following this blog saying I'm back.
Thanks for following and I will be happy to get your emails denouncing my lack of regularity, my insistence on not using spell/grammar checks and other sundry faults.

It's good to be back. Again.

Leadership Behavior

Barack Obama presented a last minute deal that - as I understand it - gives up on the balanced approach that the whole country had wanted. The tax breaks to the super rich are going to continue. The social programs are going to get screwed. The most powerful man in the world was held hostage by his own parliament, and he was forced to give up on something he promised. How refreshing would it have been if he was able to dare the demagogues and the frikkin deadbeats who want to put off paying their bills to actually come out into the public domain and state their reluctance in plain English. But he didn't dare dare the con men.

Closer to home, the chief minister BSY, in a city I still think fondly off, refused to leave office after being asked to. The leadership of his party was made to look like distressed heroines from 70's bollywood flicks, while he calmly kept extending his stay in office by hours and days and simultaneously put conditions on his resignation being sent. How interesting would it have been if Advani flew down, made a public statement saying we do not tolerate this nonsense, smacked him in the face with a dismissal and dared him and his cronies to walk out of their party. But they didn't dare dare the allegedly corrupt.

I'm sure both Obama and Advani thought about doing so though. I'm sure they did. They just couldn't act it out.
Elected people become wusses in powerful positions.
On the other hand selected people become tyrants.
Maybe it's time to think of a third way of appointing these people.

Bombay se aaya mera post

As some of you already know, I'm in Bombay setting up some offices for a new product division of my company.
This is exciting stuff.
The primary fun factor is that the products we will be working on here are going to be developed in India and are in an area that my company does not participate in right now.
The next yay factor is we have some tremendously smart people over here and everybody is really pumped about this move. Its terribly enriching to have motivated intelligent people focused on how to solve some problems that will have an exciting impact on the future of many people inside the company and outside.
And last but not the least, this city is pretty awesome. It smells like ass in some places, but it's pretty awesome nonetheless.
That probably explains why I have not been ranting for so long. I was actually happy-busy instead of being stupid-busy.
I should've known this was all too good to be true.

Have you seen what happens when a giant well-fed heifer wants to take a steaming dump? The bull continues to walk nonchalantly down the path it is going, merely twitches it's tail and a warm pile of shit exits the dark hole at its rear and sploshes on to the floor. The bull keeps on going as if nothing as happened, and if you're an ant caught under this green glob of goo your world has changed for ever. And if you're an ant actually trying to help the bull in some way (I know the analogy is breaking down here, but bear with me...), then your soul has probably taken a severe beating as well.

Well yesterday I was the ant, my company was the bull, the corporate real estate team was the tail, and corporate finance was the dark hole.

The mistake we are making is taking a fledging operation and applying the full might of corporate standards to it. We can (should) not burden a startup organization with rigid rules. Growing a startup requires freedom. It almost requires a bit of anarchy (although that may be too strong of a word). I really can not think of a major startup that was successful in spite of being watched over by corporate hawks to ensure that they bought the right color chairs, had the right sized cubicles and used company standard desktops and corporate approved courier services. I can think of startups that succeeded despite having very little money, but not under the watchful scrutiny of spreadsheet mongers and fucking trolls who only know how to read something written in a corporate policy document and enforce it without any consideration of context.

This may be different for hardware products, but in software, one more thing I have learnt by working for a major company is that if you have a new product idea, select the right people, put one clear leader at the top, give them 20% less than the money they asked for, ask for 20% more market share than you think is reasonable for your business, and let them learn how to fly.
And as they're getting ready to leap off the precipice without killing themselves, dont put a lead cylinder of corporate standards and unnecessary nonsense like executive reviews on their backs.

Cricket World Cup Update - March 31st

This is breathtaking.
So much so that I am breathless.
Some of you know that I have been on a world cup cricket watching spree.
Although I have yet to watch a single match in Bangladesh, I have watched more live cricket in this past month than I have in years.

Mohali is a beautiful ground. Any of you that gets a chance to go watch a game in Mohali should go. Especially if Pakistan is playing.
By far the most enjoyable game for me. And for those who were following my 5 over emails, I apologize. After I saw Dhoni turn his back, I just couldn't keep my nerves calm enough to let my fingers do the typing.

And after that - I was too engrossed in the situation to get back to typing.
The game itself was interesting but the stadium was infinitely more so.
The energy in that place was absolutely killer. Everybody was just turned ON. It was a great experience. The closest a cricket game has ever come to a music concert where you and the crowd around you get in the same zone.
I highly recommend this.
I know a lot of people can not watch a 5 day match. That is because it takes a love for playing the game to follow a 5 day match. A test  match is not a spectator sport for spectators. It's a spectator sport for players.
And I know a lot of you prefer the 4 hour version. That is because you are morons.
And for the many of you who like to watch a 1 day match. Get yourself tickets to a day nighter in Mohali. I recommend it highly.


And yes, I'm going to the final. I am in Mumbai already, writing this from Jazz by the Bay on my phone.
I do not think I will be sending updates on the final. I'm not going to mar my experience of being at the cricket world cup final by sending out cynical short bursts of angry pancreatic fluid disguised as reports.


You guys enjoy the game.
And as a parting note - if you belong to the group of people who believe the match yesterday was fixed, then while I applaud your cynicism - after all it is a trait I base many of my own judgments on - I also pity how much of your soul you have lost to this most dangerous of traits.
Regardless of your cynicism, you should retain the ability to enjoy a good emotional ride. Keep your cynicism in check my buddies. If you do, it will guide you. If you don't, you'll become a cold, mistrusting, shifty eyed, soulless, paranoid freak.

Catch you after the game.
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UPDATE - March 31, Midnight
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Sorry just now got through a bunch of mail.
1. Which matches did you watch?
 Leagues
Sun Feb 20 - Kenya v New Zealand, Chepauk, Chennai       
Thu Feb 24 - South Africa v West Indies, FSK Delhi   
Sun Feb 27 - India v England, Chinnaswamy, Bangalore   
Wed Mar 2 - England v Ireland, Chinnaswamy, Bangalore   
Sat Mar 5 - Sri Lanka v Australia, Premadasa, Colombo   
Sat Mar 12 - India v South Africa, VCA, Nagpur   
Thu Mar 17 - England v West Indies, Chepauk, Chennai   
Sat Mar 19 - Australia v Pakistan, Premadasa Colombo   
Quarters
Sun Mar 20 -  India v West Indies, Chepauk, Chennai   
Thu Mar 24 - India v Australia, Sardar Patel, Ahmedabad   
Sat Mar 26 - Sri Lanka v England, Premadasa, Colombo   
Semis
Wed Mar 30 - India v Pakistan, Mohali, Chandigarh
Finals
Sat Apr 2 - India v Sri Lanka, Wankhede, Mumbai

2. How did you get tickets to all the matches?
League matches were easy as you will imagine. I just bought them as soon as I could, and I bought the nicer seats so I didnt really have problems with the ticket issuances in the early matches.
I had decided early that I would not go to Bangladesh, so I didnt buy any tickets for that country knowing that I would miss the India quarter final if we were going to play in Mirpur. Thankfully that didnt happen
Here's the crazy part. Semi's I bought tickets to both. I couldn't possibly make both (Colombo to Mohali in one early morning ain't happening.) So I thought I'd buy both and pick the one that promised to be a better game. No brainer there.
And the tickets to the finals is a gift from a close friend who is a senior executive at one of the major sponsors.


3. How did you manage time off from work?
I don't understand this question. I told them I will be taking the following days off as soon as I had the tickets.

4. Why didn't you report out on all the games?
I'm not a reporter. I'm not good at it, and it takes away from my own enjoyment. And frankly I didn't spend my hard earned money so that I could get YOUR nuts off.

5. Please Report on the Final.
No.


6. Get on Facebook/Twitter/Orkut/Friendster/MySpace
I dont see the point. I'm open to convincing arguments, but I doubt there is one.

7. You're a lucky Sonovabitch for getting all those tix.
Not to be condescending, but you could have done the same. There is a small percentage of you who would probably say you can not afford the expense, and you may be right but I doubt it. If you really wanted to do it, you could. Work, Money, Travel and Time are excuse. So no. I'm not lucky. You're a dumass.


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Cricket World Cup Rant - March 4th

After my last post where I expressed sympathy for the bottom four teams, Ireland took it upon themselves to outdo what we did against England. On the backs of the world cups fastest ever century, they made the English look kinda silly. Immediately I thought of how if my blog was more popular, tons of people would write in saying "A-ha! See! Moron!" or some such unintelligent, badly constructed attempts at witticism pointing out how I was wrong and too quick to judge.

And then Pakistan almost capitulated against Canada.
I still stick by my stand though. The poor sons of bitches in the bottom four are just the whipping boys of the tournament that are making the watching of it longer and boring-er than should be legally allowed. (And yes I am aware of all the things that are legally not allowed but yet commonplace in our country, and that is an aside I do not want to get into right now, sorry.)
My point is, those freak games prove nothing other than the fact that on a good day a strong man can make inept bowling and fielding pay. And that if you play your high school team enough times, you will eventually lose one.
And Pakistan versus Canada? Please. Pakistan is Pakistan. This kinda shit happens to them all the time. They are sometimes exude effervescent brilliance and sometimes terrifying dumb.

New Zealand relaxed around a woeful Zimbabwe, and Bangladesh were insulted by West Indies in full public view in a match that failed to last 32 overs in all, and barely put a 100 runs on the board
Speaking on Pakistan and West Indies though. Here's a headline from Cricinfo:

The first thing that ran across my mind, was a picture of a bus riding slowly with a lazy smile and half closed eyes going "this is some good shit mate.. toke it up!!" And that disturbing thought later I was wondering why the Bangladeshi's throwing shit at their own players? They're the ones that sucked..
On closer inspection, I found out that some upstanding citizens had indeed mistaken the bus for the Bangladeshi ones and had taken it upon themselves to hand out justice. 
Fucking idiots.
Isn't humanity amazing?

Cricket World Cup Report

In other news, dont you just love how everybody is enjoying beating up on the poor hapless souls who have been flown in from near and far to act as punching bags of the top 6 teams in word cricket.
As I type this England is cruising along against Ireland and Cricinfo is telling me that the Brit middle order is laying a solid foundation. 200 is 35 over is more than a solid foundation.
It's a fucking thumping.
When I last heard "beat under 10" that meant losing before you reached 10 points in Table Tennins. Now it means your opponents overhauled your total in less than 10 overs.

And TV has promo shots where commentators (which actually comes from the French and Latin roots "comme" meaning like, "entat" meaning intestinal and "ors" meaning outpourings) are telling me how Sri Lanka are taking on Kenya
Huh?
If anything it should be Kenya taking on Sri Lanka you babbling fools.
David took on Goliath not the other way around, ya fuckin moron.

Maybe if you had said Sri Lanka pick on Kenya tonight, it would make a bit more sense, but then if you had sense, then you wouldn't be spouting shit in between deliveries and filling in space between commercials.
Look, I feel bad for you. The TV guys put gel on your head and force you into suits and make you talk in English and on top of that some people in the audience actually want you to think for your money. Fuck 'em, right? I get it.
My question is, how do I get in on the action?

You gotta love the Times of India

Some of you know this already, but I love the Times of India. I especially love how their campaigns such as Lead India and such have led to everlasting change and imbued the cynical population of our country with renewed hope and vigor.
I also love how they will not tolerate corruption by our elected representatives regardless of how minor the errors of their ways might be.
Just look at how they went after Mr Raja

If you read through this scan from the front page top half article from today's Times, you will notice that even though Mr Raja only took in the pitiable sum of Rs 3000, and went through the trouble of hiding it in his wife's accounts in island nations, the Times got to the bottom of it.


Thank you Times of India. Now that you have found out where they stashed the 3000 rupees, maybe we can find out what happened to the other 2999.9997 FUCKING CRORES you lazy proof-reader-less tabloid monkeys!!!

The Tie

What a scary fuckin match, huh?
I thought matches were tied when both teams deserved to win. In yesterday's case, it was because neither did. They both played some terrible basic cricket. Admittedly they both displayed flashes of greatness, but overall I think they both threw away the win.  .

And I heard today that Dhoni was pissed off with the UDRS decision. I don't understand what for.
Here's what happened.
Bell got rapped on his pads; Bowden said not out; Yuvi convinced his Mahi to appeal; Fourth umpire said looks like it would have hit middle, boys, but the dude was 2.5metres out in front;Bowden said - Not out.

Everything here happened according to the rule book. The rule book says that if the batsman is that much out in front, then the fourth umpire passes that info to the on field umpire and the umpire is allowed to factor in whatever uncertainty he sees when the dude is that much out in front. Bowden was uncertain. Bell stayed in, bashed another 52 and played an important part is scaring the shit out of screaming India fans in the stadium.

Now Dhoni goes about saying he's upset, and there's some adulteration of human and technological judgement. Bah humbug, I say.
He says either use technology or humans. Look, if there was no UDRS, we would have still got Bowden's original decision. Not Fucking Out. So there,I know it sucks, swallow your rage, and regurgitate it back up against your lazy ass fielders, who let the English milk them for singles. And you know when they say "milked for singles"?? When fielders move like fucking COWS!!

And here's a couple more messages I would send out if I was friendly enough with these - "players" - to call them and express my consternation:
Munaf Patel: You gave out 12 runs to tailenders. Shame on you.
Yuvraj: Don't gloat about that 50 - you ain't outta the woods yet bro. More than half of your runs were streaky and I'm not so convinced you've hit form
Piyush Chawla: What the fuck? What was that celebration for the wicket off your last ball? Relief? You gave away 3 fucking 6-ers, you shmuck! Did you forget that part? No really, what the fuck is the celebration FOR??

Sachin: Field dude Field. And Bowl. You wanna win this one? You better not just bat, you hear me?

Eating Crow

I do not know where that phrase orginates. It sounds like quite an unpleasant thing to do - munch on a scavenging ugly looking and ugly sounding little critter... But I know what it means. To accept that you were wrong and admit to your foolishness.
I was wrong about Virat Kohli.
The way he played against bangladesh was a revelation. His cover driving was Dravid-esque and I found myself almost wishing him to throw away his wicket like he has done in the past just so I would be vindicated.
He didn't.
Damn him.
But if he can continue in this vein, he's quite an asset in the middle order.

And talking about changing application: Sehwag, that rambunctious swiper outside the offstump, played an innings so good, I shuddered. Can you imagin what will happen if he could curb his malevolence when the spinner is brought on, and saved his disdain till the batting powerplays?

Granted, both these guys showed glimpses of surmounting what I despised in them against minnows. But Bagladesh is the biggest of the minnows. And I am (as always) cynical about whether they will show the same combination of thought and gumption against more accomplished bowling.
But if they do, we're in for a treat of a world cup boys.

So Kohli, here's to you. Good job. I eat my words. Keep it going. Even though I still think you're ugly, you're now a key player in our side in my reckoning. You can't do anything about that hirsute face and short forehead of yours, but you can win us the world cup. And for that, I'm sure many (more) women would be forgiving....

Hello Ladies!

I spent the last four months in Brazil. Awesome beaches, beautiful women, good food.. just all around great experience
Even at the office everybody was nice and accommodating; forever pointing out good bars and taking me places.
But I'm back now. And while there's not enough hatred in me yet to spew over this wasteland of blather also known as the internet, I'm sure I'll be pissed off at something soon enough.

I went in to the India office office yesterday after this long gap, and I had a great time catching up with people till I saw this guy walk toward me. He's one of the senior managers who has the amazing knack of simultaneously doing nothing and appearing busy. Lots of people think he's doing a great job carrying an entire department on his shoulders while there's some of us in the know who realize he's just a guy with a furrowed brow and a file.
People like him bring the company down. And worse, they make my stomach acids churn.

I had to take immediate evasive maneuvers to avoid him walking up to me, ask me some question, and then even before I begin to answer, walk away claimng to be going to do something of tremendous importance and diarrheal urgency. Thankfully, I succeeded that time. But this isn't going to last...

Truisms that aint - Part II

Since so many of y'all loved the original Truisms post, here's a couple more.

Exec: The customer is always right
Me: No he's not. Nobody is always anything. My customer just told me that he wants to buy a purple shirt with silver embroidered stars, to wear to a church wedding. Notwithstanding the fact that he's Gujju, he's wrong!!! You're just spouting this mantra because you are a testicle-less wonder of a man who doesn't have the spinal rigidity required to tell a customer he's wrong. Either that or you're selling a product like crack cocaine that is inherently dangerous to your customers. And you know this. And you tell yourself that the customer asked for it, and he's always right, so it must be OK to sell it to them. 'Coz that LIE is the dampener that prevents the already feeble voice of your conscience from echoing around the vacuum that is your soul, you mother fucker.

Exec: You can't make decisions without data. Lets get the data.
Me: Ok. I've got some data here on the GDP of Fuckerabad. That help? You make decisions without data every day when you have the opinion of a senior executive to swing on, you peanut brained monkey. Now when you're caught in a tough situation you want more data? You want more TIME you weak brained twit, so you can wait till somebody makes the decision for you or the damned storm just passes. So just admit it instead of spewing meaningless drivel to make yourself look rational.

Exec: It is corporate policy
Me: While this just sounds like a declaration of a fact, what you are actually implying is that you are loath to change anything that has "corporate" next to it. What is corporate? Who is this corporate? Just a bunch of humans who puked out a policy that troubles the employees. This is either because those humans are unfit and incompetent, or because those employees were Munaf Patel (which is probably the same thing, but anyway), both of which are great reasons to change the fucking policy!!

Exec: Lets be more aggressive
Me: (Running toward him with hand raised!) YAAAAA!!!! MADERCHOOOOOT!!!! (SLAP!!!!!)

Death by Committee.

Yeah I know. Not an original title. You've probably heard that phrase/fragment many times before, I was actually going to call it:
"Death by aneurysm caused by high blood pressure levels brought on by the frustration with the inaction, gutlessness and general pointlessness of a Committee." But that would have made the permalink too long....

There is only one good reason to form a committee - When you do not want to put too much dependence on the opinion of one man. In that case, you get a group of people with varied experiences and expertise to advise - and monitor the actions of - that one dude. For example boards of companies. But even then you will see that the dude (CEO in this case) is ultimately responsible.
But unfortunately, the real reason most committees are brought into existence are one of the below:
a). There IS A NEED for a person of influence and authority, but you have NOT APPOINTED one
b). There is NO NEED for a person of influence and authority, but you HAVE APPOINTED one.
c). A case of special disaster, where there IS A NEED, but instead of appointing a person and giving him authority, you have appointed a titular, incompetent, apathetic INVERTEBRATE.

The only case from the above three that has a chance of succeeding is case b. And that too if the person that you appointed is an exceedingly capable, dynamic and astute leader. And we all know there are very few of those types of people.

If you dont have an explicitly appointed owner for a set of decisions that do need to be made then what will happen is a set of reptiles with lower authority levels will get together and form a committee. Such committees are generally called councils. If the members are truly arrogant pricks, those committees will be called boards.
And what happens at these boards? Posturing, Grandstanding and Backstabbing - that's what. Nothing will ever get done by a bunch of airheads who are flailing like flagella to prove that they are better, and more important and their businesses more successful than the next one.
While there may not be much benefit to the company from such committees, YOU may be able to benefit. If you're capable of swimming with the sharks and playing their politics, you may benefit from the visibility to different businesses and the weaknesses of your competition. And you MAY get opportunities to prove that you're not the petty insecure manager that the others are by taking on something that you can herd the cats toward.

IN the case of special disaster, you're truly fucked. You get a committee of epic failure. It will do nothing, and will disrupt the functioning of various divisions in the company.
When you hire a incompetent apathetic invertebrate and put him in a position that has explicit organizational power, that's bad enough. But generally you will find out quickly he's bad and you can get him out.
But when you put such bastards in a position where there is low organizational authority but where he has to rely on inferential authority or generating influence then he WILL form a committee. Possibly many. And none of them will do anything.
Such insects never give as much as a fly's asshole about what is done or how fast it is done, or whether it is done, but the WILL care about giving out the impression that THEY tried. IF anything didn't happen it's because of the environment, external factors, and other people.
These are committees you should never ever be a part of. Ever.

(Oh and Virat Kohli's century doesn't change the fact he still has miles to go before he proves himself to be worthy. If it were left to me, I would drop him from the team on the basis that he looks like a retard and is overrated. The only thing Virat about him are his eyebrows.)

Truisms That Aint

Last time I posted something about evil dudes in the organizations that use truisms to win or otherwise end arguments. They just spout these statements that for some reason nobody argues with, then they walk away with a smug look on their face that I would very much like to wipe out with a piece of genuine Kashmir Willow.

I always feel like responding to these bitches with spit spraying from my mouth as I berate their use of these truisms, but I am unfortunately often forced to calm the fuck down because of office decorum. So what better place to act out my fantasy responses to those evil bitches in my very own blog. Here goes

Truism: There is no right or wrong answer
Me: Wrong motherfucker. There is. There is ALWAYS a right or wrong answer. It may not be clear to YOU that one of the available options is better than the others, but it IS. Maybe you'll know now or later, but that doesn't mean you just walk off and put the decision making on somebody else you piece of shit.

Truism: There is no such thing as a stupid question.
Me: Yea you're right, dipshit. Questions are not sentient beings. So you can take offense to characterising questions themselves as stupid. But not the people who ask them, right? YOU are stupid. There. Happy?

Truism: We can't get anywhere if we dont work together. Listen, there is no I in Team
Me: No there isn't, but there's U in FUCKER. What does that even mean? The guy in engineering is a no good work shirking dick, and you're just too pussy to do anything about it, so you just ask people to get along? And did you notice there's U in pussy?

Truism: You have to be a leader. You have to BE the change you want to see.
Me: What? Fuck!! So if I want to change that IT database, then I have to BE a database that works? What the fuck? OK here's me being an ugly idiot jumping into a well. Does that now mean you will too?

Truism: An employee's career is his own responsibility
Me: Really? But he doesn't have the authority does he? Otherwise he could have just promoted himself! You scheming bitch. You want him to have the responsibility without having the authority? What kind of delegation is that, motherfucker?

Truism: Quality is number 1
Me: Make up your mind, you idiot, it's billowing in the wind like the blade of grass that passes for your spine. WHICH is number 1? Quality? I thought it was safety? Or is it the customer? You're just making this shit up as you go along aren't you?
Response: There is no right or wrong answer.
Me: Aaaargh

Employee: People are leaving my team because the pay is too low
Evil Supremo: People leave managers. Not the company
Me: Yup. People do leave managers. See ya.