Delhi 6

The depraved maniacs that carried out the heinous act in Delhi will be chargesheeted today.
Finally.
The junta is acting justifiably outraged and is braying for a death penalty.
Hang the 6 of them. Fuckers. They say.

My cynicism tells me that lasting systemic changes will not follow.

Our criminal justice system needs an overhaul, and what saddens me is that even an act of such depravity doesn't look like being capable of triggering a thorough change.
What saddens me further is that when such incidents happen the lack of true leadership in this country's elected representatives comes really to the fore. Nobody seems willing or able to take the task on.

Uncertain social equilibrium will persist and such incidents will occur again long after the Delhi 6 have gone through their punishment - whatever that may be.
Rape is one, admittedly the most horrible but just one, type of crime that we are unable to prevent.

Child marriage.
Dowry.
Murder in the name of religion.
Even buying property is not something many Indians can do without suffering humiliation and participating in illegal activities of some kind.

The action needed is so wide and deep that it is difficult to really see who will try and how.
Our current criminal justice system increases and in some cases preys on our internal inequalities as a country; inequalities of caste, religion and money. It creates corporate and individual corruption, and in fact derives sustenance from it.

I'm glad people are taking to the streets after this rape. What saddens me though is that after the Delhi 6 get put behind bars, this like all other events will fade away.
The Babri masjid issue. The Godhra issue. The Bombay Riots. So much evil. So little changed.

I feel like we're getting raped every day.

Latest Aggravations

The thing that squeezed the most amout of bile outta me over the last two months has been the Piss-off and Bhosdika. You all know who I'm talking about. Somebody should ban them for life and send them to junior high for bringing disrepute to the population segment they're from - prepubescent insecure girls with their panties bunched up.

Another thing got me squirting the yellowish green - and that was the Kar na saka politics. Isn't it sick how one community demands a specific number of positions, then gets it, and then another community demands another and get it, and so called national leaders stand by and wring their hands in despair while simultaneously planning how they will spin it to the masses? It's not?

And I think Satyameva Jayate should have that "a" at the end of Satyamev. It just doesn't sound right pronounced without that short "uh" sound.

But none of that got me to find a non-work computer and get back to positing my views to nobody in particular. You know what did?
Information scarcity in organizations. There is some information that organizations do not let anybody but the most senior people see. Some of this is so innocuous that you would wonder why the secrecy.

Wanna know how many people are working on a new product?
Can't.
Wanna know how much was spent to develop a particular system?
Can't.
Wanna know how much you saved by moving to the latest computer models?
Can't.

If you can't make information like this accesible to - at least - managers around your company, how do you expect them to be able to do their job number 2 (That is, put the right level of resources on the right projects).
And job 2 is as important as job 1 - (Figuring out what the right projects are). The increase in cardinality does not signify any reduction in importance here. 

The amount of money you spend on R&D and product enhancements is the lifeblood of any but the most banal companies. (In those, how much you spend on SG&A is more important). And everybody knows how much they spend on R&D and Products on a whole, but very few have the ability to look at that data on a per project, per product level.
Pissed me off.
PIssed me off so much, I can't even write well. Can't expresses my pissed off-ness. (see?)

Email Travails - The problems with email

Let me get on thing straight. Just because you have sent me an email, and you received the insecure read receipt request you stick on every meaningless piece of drivel that leaves your outbox, don't think I actually downloaded the contents of your note straight into my fucking brain, OK?
So don't walk up to me in the hallway and say "What do you mean you don't know why the new product is taking so long?" when the only information you provided me was embedded in the 6th email in a 823468723 long series on the purchasing of toilet seats where Raghavendra Rao said he needed more time because he had fucking tulsi pooja in his grandmothers house.

If you want somebody to know something, send out a specific note and request a response. That way you know that your desired information found it's drowsy mark and didn't get drowned out in a sea of meretricious blather.

And while we're on the topic of email, just because you have received an email, it does not mean you have to reply. A response is required only if you are adding value to the conversation at hand. And you can add value in the following ways:
An approval or rejection per your company's authority level procedures
Providing a requested response: For example, if you receive an email that says "Please confirm your attendance at the free lunch mindfuck that is going to be our quarterly project status update". You are required to respond if you intend to attend. Don't ignore and then show up only to find that there is not enough samosa chat and/or oil-onion-rice-masquearding-as-biryani for you. 
A disagreement with a proposed follow up action: For example, if you receive an email that explains a proposed prop for an upcoming presentation, and you disagree with the choice, you should reply and say "I dont think you should use a moose with irritable bowel syndrome to the company premises, even if that is a prop for your presentation on the output of the committee on employee benefits. Can we meet tomorrow to see if I can explain myself better?"
And most difficult - if you have some insight not apparent  to the distribution, but relevant to the discussion: For example in an email chain regarding how to handle an upcoming audit, you might have a flash of insight and so you contribute: "While we discuss how to painfully castrate the certifying auditor, I think we should also consider extending this action to our quality consultant - HE'S the one who actually tells our bosses we need this dude coming in here every six months and peeking up our rectums!
And continuing with the suggestions to maximize pain during castration, what about using a baseball bat?"

As you will note, in all examples I gave above, I followed my own advice about requesting a response by adding a question. So I know - if I don ot get a response from my desired mark, that the message has not been sufficiently imbibed.
So on a related note, just because you have a reason to respond, does not mean you copy the entire original distribution.
While responding to confirm your attendance at the aforementioned free lunch status update mindfuck, you don't need to copy everybody when you tell the sender that you're going to be 15 minutes late. Unless you want our VP of product development to know that you're too cheap to hire a decent man, so you hired a lecherous prick for a driver, as a consequence of which you have to go pick up your daughter from school yourself, and are perennially late to office. So chose your distribution wisely.

And finally on email signatures. Don't add your sign-off remark (warmest regards, heartfelt thanks, greatest day and other such superlatives that you put in above your name) in the standard signature. It looks really weird if you get an email from somebody that says, "Sorry to hear about the incident with the lecherous driver and your daughter, THANKS A LOT!!!, Fuck Nut."
Or,
"I am deeply disappointed with your performance over the last 3 months. This email is to put you on official notice. Warmest Regards, Thanking you, yours Sincerely, Always affectionate, Dumb Fuck"

So make your sign off specific to the email at hand, and only put your name and contact info in the signature.

The State of Indian Cricket

"We have earned the criticism", said Gambhir. No shit, Sherlock. Thanks for clearing that up.  Thanks also for pointing out that not just VVSL but the entire top order should be blamed for the current state of our batting. Again. thank you for admitting the obvious.

(VVSL, by the way stands for Very Very Superb Laxman or Very Very Soporific Laxman depending on the running average of his last three innings. He must be Very Very Startled Laxman given the speed at which the affection for him changes in some quarters of the Indian press) 

Both of Gambhir's statement are obviously true. But they're not the whole truth.  

The biggest contributor to the current infirmity of our team is hiding somewhere behind the surface of media coverage. The broken condition of cricketing in India is not due to the current performance of one or a set of players. It is the due to the baleful callousness of critical institutions in our country.

Not being a cricketer at any level, I wouldn’t know the bastards that caused the current ineptitude of our otherwise (and worryingly recently) much vaunted team,  if they walked up and spat in my face. But I have to assume that they’re powerful enough that even the brave capitulate and cower ingloriously when faced with the prospect of pointing a finger at them. 

All that said, let’s see if you can play a little game with me. Identify what comes next in the following series:

World Cup; 5 day rest; IPL; 5 day rest; England; 5 day rest; Australia; ......

(a) Sore and bleeding ass

(b) Ridicule

(c) Complete and Utter Capitulation

(d) Death

You don't have to be a mensa candidate to figure out the answer is (e) all of the above, in that order. 

Even Alexander wasn’t able to keep on going at some point, right? So how do you think Dhoni and his beatific half smile can motivate the weary? 

Now if anyone of you can tell me who may be responsible for bursting the calendar full of cricket, instantly I will have a clue as to who is responsible.

Any guesses?

I'm NOT Available

I was at this dinner yesterday. One of my friends that I had not seen for a while invited me. He had also invited another one of our mutual friends. So that’s 3 of us, and then there were 3 acquaintances of the original inviter who also showed up. I say acquaintances because I don’t think my friend would BE friends with people like them, and I say showed up because I like to think that my friend would not invite acquaintances like them

The three of us who were friends from our engineering college days displayed a startling number of common and, I hope you agree here, likeable behaviours.

One, we all came (arrived, you dirty minded troll) on time. We did not have to message the others 7 times or call for directions from across the street. Is it that fucking hard to find your way to a popular restaurant in an upscale hotel? I don’t think so. What is more likely is that they neither thought it important enough to look up the venue, nor leave on time.

Second, we did not look at our cellphones during dinner or drinks. I say cellphones because I think smartphones is a misnomer : the phones are not smart, and neither are most of their owners.

This is a pet peeve for me here, but I think if you are out to talk to somebody in person, that person should be more important that some piece of news that was sent passively for you. Are your real friends more important than the ones you have on facebook? Are those people connected to you on facebook really your friends? Do you know what these so called friends will do if you die? Send out a fucking message for somebody’s wall and add a frikkin bunch of screwy punctuation marks to symbolize the emotion they feel for a fraction of a second. Fuck the friend who won’t lend you money and to hell with the wall you can’t piss on, I always say.

And I don’t care what Rehman says, har ek friend zaroori nahin hota hae.
In fact, har ek friend, friend bhi nahin hota hae chootiye!

And replying to email? Really? Do you really have to answer your email as soon as it comes? You know who needs to do that? Insecure people. I’m sorry. I wish I could make up a joke here or something, but this is just not funny. Chill out on the email replies people. Unless you’re on the shitter, constipated, waiting for the turd to drop,  and you just pissed on whatever crap newspaper it is you carried into the loo with you, that email reply can wait.

And not just replies. People just look at their phones and READ email while there is a conversation going on. If the conversation at this table is so fucking boring, why don’t you take your interesting self to wherever it is the email message came from?

UNLESS you are expecting an email from a VC informing you of whether or not he is going to give you half a million bucks for your social media startup, checking for email every few minutes with the fervor of a monkey checking for lice on his brother's head is disrespectful and annoying.

And like I said, these are passive messages. These are messages that are sent out without an expectation of when you will read them. Unlike say a phone call, which could actually be a real living and breathing friend calling to ask you for money. Even with those, we have sunk into such a culture of availability (especially those of us who have had a cell phone from before college days), that people take your availability for granted.

Save yourselves before it is too late. Train your family and friends to respect the minimum time to response they should expect for every mode of communication. I’m not saying this is the minimum time that you will take. You will respond to all of them asap. But if you tell everybody that they should not expect a response - or at the very least that they should not get mad if they do not get a response by – the following times, then you will be free of the shackles of this availability expectation that we face…

Personal Invitation: On time (inside 10 minutes of stipulated time). Cancellations well in time with appropriate groveling attached

Email: 1 day turnaround. I'm writing  a post on just email, so more details there
Text Message/Phone Call: Call back inside of 4 hours
Second Txt/Phone: Immediate, but if you ONCE try me a second time for a stupid reason, all responses default back to 4 hours.
Facebook/Twitter/Myspace/Friendster/Orkut: Middle finger

Leadership Behavior

Barack Obama presented a last minute deal that - as I understand it - gives up on the balanced approach that the whole country had wanted. The tax breaks to the super rich are going to continue. The social programs are going to get screwed. The most powerful man in the world was held hostage by his own parliament, and he was forced to give up on something he promised. How refreshing would it have been if he was able to dare the demagogues and the frikkin deadbeats who want to put off paying their bills to actually come out into the public domain and state their reluctance in plain English. But he didn't dare dare the con men.

Closer to home, the chief minister BSY, in a city I still think fondly off, refused to leave office after being asked to. The leadership of his party was made to look like distressed heroines from 70's bollywood flicks, while he calmly kept extending his stay in office by hours and days and simultaneously put conditions on his resignation being sent. How interesting would it have been if Advani flew down, made a public statement saying we do not tolerate this nonsense, smacked him in the face with a dismissal and dared him and his cronies to walk out of their party. But they didn't dare dare the allegedly corrupt.

I'm sure both Obama and Advani thought about doing so though. I'm sure they did. They just couldn't act it out.
Elected people become wusses in powerful positions.
On the other hand selected people become tyrants.
Maybe it's time to think of a third way of appointing these people.

Cricket World Cup Update - March 31st

This is breathtaking.
So much so that I am breathless.
Some of you know that I have been on a world cup cricket watching spree.
Although I have yet to watch a single match in Bangladesh, I have watched more live cricket in this past month than I have in years.

Mohali is a beautiful ground. Any of you that gets a chance to go watch a game in Mohali should go. Especially if Pakistan is playing.
By far the most enjoyable game for me. And for those who were following my 5 over emails, I apologize. After I saw Dhoni turn his back, I just couldn't keep my nerves calm enough to let my fingers do the typing.

And after that - I was too engrossed in the situation to get back to typing.
The game itself was interesting but the stadium was infinitely more so.
The energy in that place was absolutely killer. Everybody was just turned ON. It was a great experience. The closest a cricket game has ever come to a music concert where you and the crowd around you get in the same zone.
I highly recommend this.
I know a lot of people can not watch a 5 day match. That is because it takes a love for playing the game to follow a 5 day match. A test  match is not a spectator sport for spectators. It's a spectator sport for players.
And I know a lot of you prefer the 4 hour version. That is because you are morons.
And for the many of you who like to watch a 1 day match. Get yourself tickets to a day nighter in Mohali. I recommend it highly.


And yes, I'm going to the final. I am in Mumbai already, writing this from Jazz by the Bay on my phone.
I do not think I will be sending updates on the final. I'm not going to mar my experience of being at the cricket world cup final by sending out cynical short bursts of angry pancreatic fluid disguised as reports.


You guys enjoy the game.
And as a parting note - if you belong to the group of people who believe the match yesterday was fixed, then while I applaud your cynicism - after all it is a trait I base many of my own judgments on - I also pity how much of your soul you have lost to this most dangerous of traits.
Regardless of your cynicism, you should retain the ability to enjoy a good emotional ride. Keep your cynicism in check my buddies. If you do, it will guide you. If you don't, you'll become a cold, mistrusting, shifty eyed, soulless, paranoid freak.

Catch you after the game.
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UPDATE - March 31, Midnight
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Sorry just now got through a bunch of mail.
1. Which matches did you watch?
 Leagues
Sun Feb 20 - Kenya v New Zealand, Chepauk, Chennai       
Thu Feb 24 - South Africa v West Indies, FSK Delhi   
Sun Feb 27 - India v England, Chinnaswamy, Bangalore   
Wed Mar 2 - England v Ireland, Chinnaswamy, Bangalore   
Sat Mar 5 - Sri Lanka v Australia, Premadasa, Colombo   
Sat Mar 12 - India v South Africa, VCA, Nagpur   
Thu Mar 17 - England v West Indies, Chepauk, Chennai   
Sat Mar 19 - Australia v Pakistan, Premadasa Colombo   
Quarters
Sun Mar 20 -  India v West Indies, Chepauk, Chennai   
Thu Mar 24 - India v Australia, Sardar Patel, Ahmedabad   
Sat Mar 26 - Sri Lanka v England, Premadasa, Colombo   
Semis
Wed Mar 30 - India v Pakistan, Mohali, Chandigarh
Finals
Sat Apr 2 - India v Sri Lanka, Wankhede, Mumbai

2. How did you get tickets to all the matches?
League matches were easy as you will imagine. I just bought them as soon as I could, and I bought the nicer seats so I didnt really have problems with the ticket issuances in the early matches.
I had decided early that I would not go to Bangladesh, so I didnt buy any tickets for that country knowing that I would miss the India quarter final if we were going to play in Mirpur. Thankfully that didnt happen
Here's the crazy part. Semi's I bought tickets to both. I couldn't possibly make both (Colombo to Mohali in one early morning ain't happening.) So I thought I'd buy both and pick the one that promised to be a better game. No brainer there.
And the tickets to the finals is a gift from a close friend who is a senior executive at one of the major sponsors.


3. How did you manage time off from work?
I don't understand this question. I told them I will be taking the following days off as soon as I had the tickets.

4. Why didn't you report out on all the games?
I'm not a reporter. I'm not good at it, and it takes away from my own enjoyment. And frankly I didn't spend my hard earned money so that I could get YOUR nuts off.

5. Please Report on the Final.
No.


6. Get on Facebook/Twitter/Orkut/Friendster/MySpace
I dont see the point. I'm open to convincing arguments, but I doubt there is one.

7. You're a lucky Sonovabitch for getting all those tix.
Not to be condescending, but you could have done the same. There is a small percentage of you who would probably say you can not afford the expense, and you may be right but I doubt it. If you really wanted to do it, you could. Work, Money, Travel and Time are excuse. So no. I'm not lucky. You're a dumass.


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Cricket World Cup Rant - March 4th

After my last post where I expressed sympathy for the bottom four teams, Ireland took it upon themselves to outdo what we did against England. On the backs of the world cups fastest ever century, they made the English look kinda silly. Immediately I thought of how if my blog was more popular, tons of people would write in saying "A-ha! See! Moron!" or some such unintelligent, badly constructed attempts at witticism pointing out how I was wrong and too quick to judge.

And then Pakistan almost capitulated against Canada.
I still stick by my stand though. The poor sons of bitches in the bottom four are just the whipping boys of the tournament that are making the watching of it longer and boring-er than should be legally allowed. (And yes I am aware of all the things that are legally not allowed but yet commonplace in our country, and that is an aside I do not want to get into right now, sorry.)
My point is, those freak games prove nothing other than the fact that on a good day a strong man can make inept bowling and fielding pay. And that if you play your high school team enough times, you will eventually lose one.
And Pakistan versus Canada? Please. Pakistan is Pakistan. This kinda shit happens to them all the time. They are sometimes exude effervescent brilliance and sometimes terrifying dumb.

New Zealand relaxed around a woeful Zimbabwe, and Bangladesh were insulted by West Indies in full public view in a match that failed to last 32 overs in all, and barely put a 100 runs on the board
Speaking on Pakistan and West Indies though. Here's a headline from Cricinfo:

The first thing that ran across my mind, was a picture of a bus riding slowly with a lazy smile and half closed eyes going "this is some good shit mate.. toke it up!!" And that disturbing thought later I was wondering why the Bangladeshi's throwing shit at their own players? They're the ones that sucked..
On closer inspection, I found out that some upstanding citizens had indeed mistaken the bus for the Bangladeshi ones and had taken it upon themselves to hand out justice. 
Fucking idiots.
Isn't humanity amazing?

Cricket World Cup Report

In other news, dont you just love how everybody is enjoying beating up on the poor hapless souls who have been flown in from near and far to act as punching bags of the top 6 teams in word cricket.
As I type this England is cruising along against Ireland and Cricinfo is telling me that the Brit middle order is laying a solid foundation. 200 is 35 over is more than a solid foundation.
It's a fucking thumping.
When I last heard "beat under 10" that meant losing before you reached 10 points in Table Tennins. Now it means your opponents overhauled your total in less than 10 overs.

And TV has promo shots where commentators (which actually comes from the French and Latin roots "comme" meaning like, "entat" meaning intestinal and "ors" meaning outpourings) are telling me how Sri Lanka are taking on Kenya
Huh?
If anything it should be Kenya taking on Sri Lanka you babbling fools.
David took on Goliath not the other way around, ya fuckin moron.

Maybe if you had said Sri Lanka pick on Kenya tonight, it would make a bit more sense, but then if you had sense, then you wouldn't be spouting shit in between deliveries and filling in space between commercials.
Look, I feel bad for you. The TV guys put gel on your head and force you into suits and make you talk in English and on top of that some people in the audience actually want you to think for your money. Fuck 'em, right? I get it.
My question is, how do I get in on the action?

You gotta love the Times of India

Some of you know this already, but I love the Times of India. I especially love how their campaigns such as Lead India and such have led to everlasting change and imbued the cynical population of our country with renewed hope and vigor.
I also love how they will not tolerate corruption by our elected representatives regardless of how minor the errors of their ways might be.
Just look at how they went after Mr Raja

If you read through this scan from the front page top half article from today's Times, you will notice that even though Mr Raja only took in the pitiable sum of Rs 3000, and went through the trouble of hiding it in his wife's accounts in island nations, the Times got to the bottom of it.


Thank you Times of India. Now that you have found out where they stashed the 3000 rupees, maybe we can find out what happened to the other 2999.9997 FUCKING CRORES you lazy proof-reader-less tabloid monkeys!!!

The Tie

What a scary fuckin match, huh?
I thought matches were tied when both teams deserved to win. In yesterday's case, it was because neither did. They both played some terrible basic cricket. Admittedly they both displayed flashes of greatness, but overall I think they both threw away the win.  .

And I heard today that Dhoni was pissed off with the UDRS decision. I don't understand what for.
Here's what happened.
Bell got rapped on his pads; Bowden said not out; Yuvi convinced his Mahi to appeal; Fourth umpire said looks like it would have hit middle, boys, but the dude was 2.5metres out in front;Bowden said - Not out.

Everything here happened according to the rule book. The rule book says that if the batsman is that much out in front, then the fourth umpire passes that info to the on field umpire and the umpire is allowed to factor in whatever uncertainty he sees when the dude is that much out in front. Bowden was uncertain. Bell stayed in, bashed another 52 and played an important part is scaring the shit out of screaming India fans in the stadium.

Now Dhoni goes about saying he's upset, and there's some adulteration of human and technological judgement. Bah humbug, I say.
He says either use technology or humans. Look, if there was no UDRS, we would have still got Bowden's original decision. Not Fucking Out. So there,I know it sucks, swallow your rage, and regurgitate it back up against your lazy ass fielders, who let the English milk them for singles. And you know when they say "milked for singles"?? When fielders move like fucking COWS!!

And here's a couple more messages I would send out if I was friendly enough with these - "players" - to call them and express my consternation:
Munaf Patel: You gave out 12 runs to tailenders. Shame on you.
Yuvraj: Don't gloat about that 50 - you ain't outta the woods yet bro. More than half of your runs were streaky and I'm not so convinced you've hit form
Piyush Chawla: What the fuck? What was that celebration for the wicket off your last ball? Relief? You gave away 3 fucking 6-ers, you shmuck! Did you forget that part? No really, what the fuck is the celebration FOR??

Sachin: Field dude Field. And Bowl. You wanna win this one? You better not just bat, you hear me?

Eating Crow

I do not know where that phrase orginates. It sounds like quite an unpleasant thing to do - munch on a scavenging ugly looking and ugly sounding little critter... But I know what it means. To accept that you were wrong and admit to your foolishness.
I was wrong about Virat Kohli.
The way he played against bangladesh was a revelation. His cover driving was Dravid-esque and I found myself almost wishing him to throw away his wicket like he has done in the past just so I would be vindicated.
He didn't.
Damn him.
But if he can continue in this vein, he's quite an asset in the middle order.

And talking about changing application: Sehwag, that rambunctious swiper outside the offstump, played an innings so good, I shuddered. Can you imagin what will happen if he could curb his malevolence when the spinner is brought on, and saved his disdain till the batting powerplays?

Granted, both these guys showed glimpses of surmounting what I despised in them against minnows. But Bagladesh is the biggest of the minnows. And I am (as always) cynical about whether they will show the same combination of thought and gumption against more accomplished bowling.
But if they do, we're in for a treat of a world cup boys.

So Kohli, here's to you. Good job. I eat my words. Keep it going. Even though I still think you're ugly, you're now a key player in our side in my reckoning. You can't do anything about that hirsute face and short forehead of yours, but you can win us the world cup. And for that, I'm sure many (more) women would be forgiving....

People are Idiots

This is not a rant, but watch the video and you will know how easily it could be one about people not knowing half the time what the hell it is they are doing

This is fascinating. And this was their first research paper. Fucking brilliant.
Below is a BBC Video. Read: The Invisible Gorilla for more.
(note: title of this blog post has nothing to do with either Christopher Chabris, Daniel Simmons, Lars Hall or Peter Johansson)

CHOICE BLINDNESS

The IPL Sucks Part Two

Wow.
It's been a month since I posted the first part of this rant. And mere days later the IPL thing broke out into such a melee. How do you like DEM apples Mr Modi?
Posting about the IPL now just seems like tacking on another tiny piece of glitter in the stereotypical Rajasthani woman's blouse. You know the one I mean? With mirrors on the breast covering part of the blouse? Freaky. If you stare at them you see a million of you looking right back at you... Brrr....

But for the sake of completeness, I thought I'd just post what was originally going to say. Here goes:

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So here's the thing that gets me about the IPL. It's fucking overrated in every single way.

First lets cover the easy ones.

1. Level of Play: One word - Sucks!!! Have you seen the way these people play? There's so little skill on display that you could actually fantasize about getting in there yourself.
2. Cheerleaders: Overrated as hotties. Why in blazes were they wearing so many clothes? The ones from Chennai were actually wearing trackpants!!! WHAT THE FUCK? Lets get one thing straight. They're called cheerleaders. You know why they get to lead cheers? Because they're scantily clad women with tight asses, firm breasts, luscious curves that can move their bodies in a way that keeps the eyes of hundreds of drunken testosterone carriers fixated on them during breaks, and mindlessly get them to chant whatever the fuck they want. The only owner that tried to get good cheerleaders was Mallya. Props to you my BROTHA!!!
3. TV Coverage: Too much advertising, too much commentary, but for the cheerleaders, entirely too little airtime
4. Arun Lal: WAAAAAY to much airtime.
5. Sunil Gavaskar: I'm just waiting for this tiring annoying know-it-all to retire. Damn.
   
6. And the last of the small irritations: Those actors doing the "sidelines" commentary: Guys, your acting careers were on the sidelines of showbiz already. Did you really have to come to the sidelines of cricket and distribute fake smiles and false enthusiasm to all and sundry in your wake?

But the two majorly overrated aspects of the IPL: Value for money

First the value for the advertisers money:
Do you know how many logos there are on screen? 5 or 6 on the players uniforms, anywhere from 3 to 6 on the ground, the hoardings around the boundary that we have been ignoring for years. Even the commentators have been turned into whores. Yelling and screaming, and calling calling out sponsor names at every chance they get! I've got a Carbon Camaal Crotch and you can have a City moment of sucking it mothafucka. And I've not even started on the TV ads and the ads on that annoying screen that they wont show replays on when you go to the stadium.

How many of those companies do you remember? Probably not enough to justify what those guys are paying. I bet that in 5 years, the rates and the number of sponsors will come down to more rational levels. Maybe we will still have the manic pricing of the ads during the Final, like the Superbowl crapola they have Stateside, but hopefully there wont be that much foaming at the mouth when Chennai Sweeper Kinks play the King's XI Nut-jobs in the season opener.

And finally here's what is even more overrated that value for the advertiser's money: The value of the fucking teams.
Did you hear how much that guy paid for the team from Pune? God Fucking Damn.
Probably more than he got for that airline of his when he sold it.
Sell your shares people. Sell your shares. That's all I have to say

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And a final parting thought. Thanks to those who send me vicious threats over email if I didn't post soon. I was in the US on business, and I couldn't bring myself to tear away from the hot chicks in the cool bars THAT STAY OPEN TILL 2pm, for long enough to post something. I totally forgot about you guys that are waiting to hear about my latest vexation and laugh pithily at my spiking blood pressure.
But when I came back, I saw all that email and I instantly missed you. I felt wanted. (Not in a Salmonella Khan kind of way, please note.)
I have now resolved to increase my fiber intake.
(Hopefully that will make me more regular. HAR!)

The IPL Sucks

Man
There has been a lot of hand-wringing lately about whether or not the IPL is good for cricket.
I dont know what the big deal about the whole thing is
IPL is a show.
It is not unlike those shows run by Bollywood stars outside India where a star and his league of extraordinary sycophants team up and grind away on a stage amidst unnecessary fireworks and garish stage props.
It's a show that Mr Modi has provided that lets the fatigued minions, browbeaten by their humdrum daily existence, scream away their worries instead of sitting inside a multiplex and watching decreasingly excellent vicarious escapes for increasingly absurd prices. I mean, have you seen the Vivek Oberoi thriller Prince? Why?)
It is not unlike the WWF where fake wrestlers jump around in a surreal atmosphere surrounded by believers and scantily clad women whipping the audience of people into a frenzy that some of my acquaintances can't avoid watching.

The IPL is not cricket. I dont watch much of it either. But if it's making so many people deliriously happy and forget their crazy existence for a few hours a day, it aint as fucking bad as these hand-wringers are making it out to be.
And you know what? Just like Kuch Saas Bahu Ma Devi Kali or whatever those Ekta Kapoor monstrosities are called.... If you dont like it, you can turn it off.

But that said, the IPL does suck in one aspect...

..... To be continued

Mumbai and the Marathi Manoos

I must profess ignorance about the Marathi Manoos.
Who is he?
A person with domicile in Maharashtra?
A person who can speak Marathi?
A person whose mother tongue is Marathi?
A person both of whose parent's mother tongues are Marathi?

I want to know because this person seems to be wanting a special status in Maharashtra.
Now special status in and of itself is not new - There is a special status for certain people in Kashmir, for some people in the North Eastern states, and whats more, for certain caste/community/tribe based groups there is a special status for all over the country.
But what is funny about this special status for the Marathi Manoos is what the leaders of this "movement" seem to be demanding. Sample this:

• 100 % reservation for them in government and private jobs
• Prevention of all industrialists or sports personalities from making political comments
  
• The same status Mumbai is the same as the status of the Chairman and Managing Director within a company
• Authority to treat all migrants to their home city (and possibly even the rest of the state) as disease ridden hyenas and beat them back physically like the thieving bastards they surely are.
  

Some politicians came out an compared the leaders making these demands to Fascists and Hitler. I think they were meaning to insult the leaders of the Marathi Manoos movement. I think they are insulting the Fascists!
Some RSS leader came out recently and exhorted his cronies to protect the whimpering migrants, to which some Sena leader has reacted by warning the RSS guys to stay away from issues in Mumbai.

I don't know if the Marathi Manoos actually understands what their leaders are asking for:
100% reservation, Ownership of their city, Squelching opinion, and prevention of other citizens of India from coming in there.
That is another way of saying isolation.
Is that what the real Marathi Manoos wants?

The Sena leaders are braying over the airwaves that they have the unflinching support of the Marathi Manoos. But do they?
And if so - back to my first question - who the hell is this Marathi Manoos supporting these retarded views?
If you know, please enlighten me.

And another thing.
Their whole argument rests on the confidence they have that people want to move to Mumbai.

India's own city of opportunity.
That city is the city of opportunity as much BECAUSE of the migrants as before it. These leaders didn't make it the city of opportunity. They just changed the bloody name!

And you know if these Marathi Manooses really want it - Fuck it. Build a wall around them, and let them have the god damned city to themselves.
We've got other ports.
And the finance and software industry can move pretty quickly.
And Bollywood? Really? Should we even care to address THAT situation?

Let them drive their taxis and speak to each other in only Marathi and descend into a state of chewing destitution.
Lets see how they like that scenario.

I'm Back.

What a year.
Started a business right before the bottom fell out of the financing market, and almost had to shut shop because we couldn't fund complete development. Found a customer with a particularly strong interest in what we were doing. This customer not only provided much needed cash by trusting us enough to buy an underdeveloped product, but also gave us credibility enough to get some financial backing. And after complete development and deployment, this customer bought us out.
I'm now part of the product development team at this customer with responsibility for the lifecycle of the product that we developed and one additional product category.
My two partners are also at this firm, although one of them - guess who - is only here temporarily. (It was part of the buyout).

It was a ride. We almost failed, but are now richer than we were a year and half ago not just in our bank accounts, but also in experience.

The only unfortunate part is that I am now back working for the man.
Though I like and respect the way the management of this company conducts itself, I know enough to realize that in a company of a decent size, the management is inefficient. I know I am going to run into villains, politicians, arseholes, and more than just 3 idiots.

A vent is necessary again.

I'm back.

Incompetence Rewarded

I could barely get out of bed this morning.
Consider this:

• The finance guys who screwed the world economy up the backside made off (Madoff?) with piles of taxpayer money
• The CEOs who didn't time the recession or even have a plan on handling it got paid large salaries
• The cricketers who were paid the largest sums of money are hacking away like fucking rank amateurs.
• The guys (sorry, gals) who have the largest number of criminal elements in their candidate list are getting close to becoming the next PM
• The guy who shot up innocents on live TV is pleading not guilty and being protected with taxpayer money.
• The movies that made the most money this past year were Ghajini (easily AAAAmir Khan's worst movie in the last few years) and Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi
• One of the top TV series is Radha ki fuckin betiyaan kuch bloody kar dikhayengi

What the fuck?
What in blazes is going on?
Something is fucked up with this world.

I usually blog about things that tick me off, and usually that happens when I see mediocrity being tolerated. But this is past that.
This is incompetence being rewarded.
Pathetic performance being celebrated
Malicious behavior being praised
And its so pervasive that it depressed me to the extent that I could barely get out of bed this morning.

Something is totally fucked up with this world.

Out of Commission

Sorry about the unannounced departure and the two month hiatus.
Thanks for all the mail (hate or otherwise)

Me and a few friends launched a new business in the BLR area in the tech space in late January. Things picked up around early Feb (not revenue wise, but in terms of the work needed to get the groundwork set up and get the ball rolling). While this is an exciting time for me personally, it is also a time I get home devoid of any energy. Consequently, I haven't been able to find the time or the faux-rage needed to summon bile up the oesophagus and into my virtual pen, and so I've kept away from the blog site for a while.

Unfortunately - for me - I wont be able to put in quality time toward this effort for another month or so.

Till then, fare thee well.
And wish me luck you insatiable hatemongers

Goonda turned Gandhi

So Sanjay Dutt is going to be a politician.
A guy convicted in the Bombay riots case is actually going to run for office.

And I saw him quote on TV that he was there to "teach people Gandhigiri"...

And that he wanted to get "Jaadu ki Jhappis" from people.

Bhen-fucking-chot.

You know what bothers me?
Not that another guy with a criminal record is running for office. Every other politician is or has been a criminal. In fact probably more than 2 out of 3.
So no. That does not bother me anymore.
What bothers me is that soon, everybody will forget that not only was Such-A-Butt-head so dumb that he bought guns from a guy known to be linked with criminals, but he also tried to dispose of a metal gun by throwing it in a fire. And his face will be in the news being lauded by the press or some "common man types" for being so down to earth and so on. Just like people like Laloo and Modi are lauded for their achievements in one sphere (railways, infra development), while somehow the media and these common man types are able to ensure that any acknowledgment of their misdeeds don't jump across that wall they have built around their own conscience.
Fodder scam? What was that?
Godhra? Where?
Mumbai Terror Attacks? Did that happen? I'm already forgetting it.
THANK GOD RAMU'S MAKING A FUCKING MOVIE ABOUT IT!!!
And I think that cock-eyed sonovabitch Reieitheieish The-Shmuck is going to play another one of his "loser than pretends to be cool but is somehow loveable in a whomesome way even though he cracks silly jokes and double entendres" role. I hope he gets shot in the movie.

And here's the other thing that's bothering me nowadays:
Have any of you seen that annoying little twerp with a cup of tea looks at the camera with wannabe revolutionary eyes and asks us to wake up from our self induced stupor - ostensibly just so that we can vote, but really just so we can run out to the neighborhood FabMall and buy his fucking tea leaves?
I would like to meet with this guy and tell him how the reason people are all staying away from the voting booths is much more serious that a mere sleeping disorder. It's because we have this huge numbness in our souls that prevents us from caring about anything but ourselves. And not even ourselves in the long term enlightened way, but more in the short term, how can I get ahead of this annoying Santro in the next lane so I can be the first at the next red light kind of way.
The people of this country, by and large, don't care about this country.
They don't even care about themselves.
So nice try with the "buy my tea leaves because I'm trying to raise the collective consciousness spiel", but all they're going to do - even if they do drink your lousy fucking tea and show up at the voters booth, is vote the goonda turned gandhi into power.

And then what are we going to do?

Fucking pathetic.