Since so many of y'all loved the original Truisms post, here's a couple more.
Exec: The customer is always right
Me: No he's not. Nobody is always anything. My customer just told me that he wants to buy a purple shirt with silver embroidered stars, to wear to a church wedding. Notwithstanding the fact that he's Gujju, he's wrong!!! You're just spouting this mantra because you are a testicle-less wonder of a man who doesn't have the spinal rigidity required to tell a customer he's wrong. Either that or you're selling a product like crack cocaine that is inherently dangerous to your customers. And you know this. And you tell yourself that the customer asked for it, and he's always right, so it must be OK to sell it to them. 'Coz that LIE is the dampener that prevents the already feeble voice of your conscience from echoing around the vacuum that is your soul, you mother fucker.
Exec: You can't make decisions without data. Lets get the data.
Me: Ok. I've got some data here on the GDP of Fuckerabad. That help? You make decisions without data every day when you have the opinion of a senior executive to swing on, you peanut brained monkey. Now when you're caught in a tough situation you want more data? You want more TIME you weak brained twit, so you can wait till somebody makes the decision for you or the damned storm just passes. So just admit it instead of spewing meaningless drivel to make yourself look rational.
Exec: It is corporate policy
Me: While this just sounds like a declaration of a fact, what you are actually implying is that you are loath to change anything that has "corporate" next to it. What is corporate? Who is this corporate? Just a bunch of humans who puked out a policy that troubles the employees. This is either because those humans are unfit and incompetent, or because those employees were Munaf Patel (which is probably the same thing, but anyway), both of which are great reasons to change the fucking policy!!
Exec: Lets be more aggressive
Me: (Running toward him with hand raised!) YAAAAA!!!! MADERCHOOOOOT!!!! (SLAP!!!!!)
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Heres a couple more that annoy me
ReplyDelete1). It is what it is
2). You get what you pay for
Nice. But they're not used by execs (i havent heard them use these anyway.
ReplyDeleteThe first is generally used by peers or internal suppliers to project a defiant, take it or leave it, attitude.
In those cases my response would be:
Maybe. IT may also just be what IT seems to be but ISN'T. Mostly what you need to get into your skull is that IT is what IT SHOULDN'T BE. So gird up your negligible loins and use what part of your brain is not already fried by my verbal calisthenics to think about how you can fix the situation.
The second one is usually used to denigrate the result of a cost saving move that failed. Not necessarily to end conversations and discussions, as are the other ones that frustrate me. And if your cost saving move failed to deliver the results you stated it would, you should take these thinly veiled insults and attempts at sounding better than you on the chin.