Shut your mouth

Don't you just hate the guys who can't stop walking up to you and talking their ass off for an interminable hour about stuff that even they know you can't possibly give a shit about?

Some of them want to impress upon you how hard they're working. Every day the see you, they will try hard to look nonchalant while the desperately scout for an opportunity to mention how they had to take a call at 6 in the morning. And a few minutes later they will - almost inadvertently - mention that they were up till 3 in the morning as well. It's obvious that there motherfuckers are not working so hard or so late. If they were, they would either be getting promoted or dropping dead. Neither of which seems to happen to them. I've got a message for these guys too: Nobody cares how hard you're working. Get your shit done in 1 hour or 8. As long as your shit's done on time, that's all that matters. Stop telling me how long you worked and how hard you worked. Nobody cares.

Then there;s those who just come by and will talk about whatever it is that they can, and will NOT leave your cube. Even if you patently ignore them and stare at your monitor and type away while the speak. To these guys, I just want to say: Get a life dudes. You're boring us normal people. We pretending to work even though we don't have anything pressing to do. We prefer working on the dregs of our priority lists to conversing with you. That's how much we like having you around. Now leave.

And how about those arseholes who will call you when they're commuting. These guys are so not used to being by themselves, that when they're on the bus or in their car, they have to fiddle with their phones and call you up so they can ask you a transparently unimportant question or give you a frighteningly unnecessary update. And if you make the mistake of answering the phone, they wont hang up till they're conveniently close to home or if the call drops. To these guys, I say: Get a life. Are you really so scared about being alone with your thoughts for a few hours? Can't you get a radio in your car or your phone and listen to crappy nasal renditions of the Himmesh kind? And do you think you're fooling us when you scream over honking maniacs to talk to us about an update on what the IT guys told you about how to get your email signature changed? You're annoying both us and the people around you. And no the call isn't dropping and the cell network doesn't suck. I just like hanging up on you.

There's these guys who can't stop talking about their children. Well, I got news for you. Nobody likes your children - especially your newborn children.
Your newborn children are cute only to you. And I wonder why given how they look more like they were born when the creature from Alien fucked a California Sun Dried Prune. I understand you're all gung-ho about the kid you just had, but really there should be a limit on how long you should be allowed to talk about them - especially at work, with people who might actually qualify as total strangers except for the fact that the logo on their badge matches the logo on yours. I mean, if you like them so much, why don't you quit wasting your time, finish your work and go spend some time with those precious little runts inside your house where neither they nor you can bother me while I furiously try to get to the next level at my favorite online free game.