Bonus Plans

Its that time of the year again, when the powers that be get together in their hollowed corridors, smoke cigars, sip on scotch and every once in a while let out a devilish laugh as they pen down the annual bonuses for those who are not their cronies.For all the talk of incentivizing performance through stock grants and variable compensation, I think most of the amounts given away are based on relationships with those doing the doling out of funds and not based on solid performance.

It is also that time of the quarter (can you tell I work for an American company?) where we have the obligatory managers night out. Some of my colleagues I enjoy hanging out with. The conversation is always engaging the opinions are always scathing and the topics are always controversial. Some others I don't mind. They're like the cockroaches you hear got into the food in a restaurant you would never go to. I would have hated them if I had to deal with them, but I don't and so that's that.
And then there are those whose intelligence levels are the only reason that evolution is still considered a theory. I mean we all have these guys don't we? Retards that surprise us with the levels they are in the organization - people who can't understand an argument, can't state a position but probably can either suck the chrome of a exhaust pipe or kiss more ass than toilet paper in a public shithouse.
Whatever their skill, it doesn't bother me except for those days that I have to go drown my friday nights in local beer at a cheap hovel surrounded by these idiots.

And this time I was wondering what my bonus number would be this year. So as I was engaging the pathetic morons monosyllabic repetitive responses, I was thinking about how we could make the bonus system better.
Here's my answers:
  1. Make bonus numbers public inside the managers group. If you have to explain to your staff why you gave Mr A 10 big ones as a bonus and Mr B only 5, you will at the very least have to come up a with an engaging story. You wont be telling them it was because Mr A has a mouth like a vacuum cleaner. And you can't keep making up stories.
  2. Reduce bonus levels after a certain level. Most organizations give higher bonuses to people higher up in the org. For example, I qualify for a max of 40% of my annual salary as my bonus, while my boss qualifies for a max of 60% of HIS annual salary. Isn't that shitty? I mean given the amount of money that senior people in the organization are making, they should already be as incentivized as can be. Do you really need to bribe them to perform? Fuck that. I say you should give them negative bonuses. Give them a salary number and take money away from them if they don't meet their targets.
  3. At the first two levels of management, give out bonuses regardless of company performance. If the guy met his bonus targets he should get the money. Just because the technologists had a fucked up product don't punish the little floor supervisors that built the first 100 in record time.

Of course none of the companies will actually do these things. If you have better ideas let me know I'm always willing to listen. I'm sure it will be better than whatever it is those mindless dumbfucks were droning on about yesterday.

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